LIVES Affected by Cancer

Link to on-line edition:
http://livesaffectedbycancer.ca

Inspiration

"Now many years later, I realize that icons and even commercial brands are encapsulated myths. They are stories with motifs and themes that capture the essentials of the human drama. The stories contain the eternal conflict between opposing themes: sinner and saint, hero and villain, forbidden lust and unconditional love. They have in them mystery, adventure, magic, wanderlust, and divine energies such as love compassion empathy and equanimity and the eternal battle to overcome our own demons of anger, hostility, guilt, shame, and fear." D Chopra
http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20130722225553-75054000-what-inspires-me-the-power-of-myth

Is your brand expression inert?

Life leaps like a geyser for those who drill through the rock of inertia. 

Alexis Carrel 

Ah, inertia.  That comforting disposition into which we all are tempted to fall.

Can it be a pitfall for the brand manager?

From my experience it most certainly can.  Additionally, I have witnessed in my own work and those of others the achievement of a comfort level which leads us to rest on our laurels, churning out the same brand expression (or design or package or logo...) just because we can.

While we can sustain business for a while in this fashion, ultimately we will be found out and what I have been encouraged to do recently is to discover my own inertia and attempt to root it out like a pig sniffing for truffles.

We have a unique opportunity as brand people to reinvent ourselves as often as we want.  Without straying too dramatically from our core competence and interest we are able to direct our attention and energy in a myriad of ways.  

Sitting in a comfortable pew has very real attractions.  We feel safe.  We feel unthreatened.  We cosset ourselves in past victories and just like the sad dude in Springsteen's 'Glory Days' we never give ourselves the chance to burst free and recapture what secured us some degree of success in the past.

So if you're interested in drilling through the rock of inertia we’re ready to talk.

Are you?

They're not really superheroes. They just seem to be!

It is a real quandary. When potential fatal illness strikes someone in the family what do you tell the kids?

Our natural instinct is to protect our children from all harm – physical and emotional. If only we can shelter them from the storm all will be well.

Right?

Wrong.

When Katie was diagnosed with breast cancer in the fall of 2011 I don’t recall our initial thinking about what to tell our sons Gabriel (then 4) and Samuel (then 2).

We were entirely consumed with grown-up thoughts and our efforts revolved entirely around seeking the very best advice and care possible for Katie.

This was very much a natural reaction – as we have since learned. One which falls into the same category as the advice you’re given on the airplane:  in the event of a sudden loss of pressure an oxygen mask will descend from the ceiling. Place it first over your mouth and nose THEN on your children.

Only we didn’t have a mask fall from the ceiling.

We had lots of stuff fall on us but no source of immediate relief or insight.

At that time I am afraid our kids were somewhat left adrift and I still get the occasional pang of guilt thinking about it.

What I’ve learned since though is what happened with us is pretty darn typical and nothing to be ashamed of. The only shame would have been not to recognize the reality and continue to ignore what impact the turmoil was having on our boys.

The further reality is this: Samuel, due to his age, was largely inoculated from the experience. Gabe, on the other hand, is and always has been a sensitive boy with great awareness of what surrounds him. This does not negate the importance of being aware of the needs of all children only that sometimes one needs to focus more on the elder.

With that written, while admittedly learning by the seat of our pants, a few things stand out.

Be honest

While it might be tempting to try to keep your kids sheltered it is simply impossible. Katie chose, wisely and early on, to be open with the kids about what was happening. Face the fact that your kids know something is amiss. Their parents are more remote than before. They are physically absent more. Mommy won’t be able to pick them up as often and she’ll be in bed a lot when normally she would be playing with them, reading stories, or at work. They will notice, if you’re lucky to have such support, that Nana and Grandpa are around the house a great deal more. They will notice Mommy and Daddy being very sad and sometimes even mad. Kids are ultra-sensitive to change. They can’t necessarily articulate their feelings – mostly because they can’t identify them at this age – but behaviours may change. They may do things at school that they wouldn’t normally. Gabe, for example, developed more of an aggressive streak with his school and camp mates.

I recall one day, the first day in fact, picking him up at Appleby where he was attending camp, and the counselor called me over for a private chat. You know that’s never good and seldom does the counselor want to share something triumphant with you! She advised that Gabriel had gotten physical with another child. When I asked what happened she related that while in the lineup for lunch another camper butted in line in front of Gabe. Normally, he’d let that slide. But this time he got physical. He didn’t, as he has been trained by us and his Montessori teacher, use his words. Gabriel put a choke hold on the kid.

When I explained the situation – his mom is sick – the counselor was more empathetic. So here’s another tip – be honest with your kids and let any of the people with whom your child interacts know what is happening in their lives.

We had a couple of similar incidents at his school but with care and attention and understanding that this was his only way of expressing himself we were able to help him adjust and manage himself better.

We have found the writings of Dr. Dan Siegel very helpful and highly recommend his book, The Whole-Brain Child.  In it he writes, “…it’s very important that kids learn about and understand their feelings. But it’s also true that feelings need to be recognized for what they are: temporary, changing conditions. They are states, not traits. They’re like the weather. Rain is real, and we’d be foolish to stand in a downpour and act as if it weren’t actually raining. But we’d be just a foolish to expect that the sun will never reappear. We need to help children understand that the clouds of their emotions can (and will) roll on by. They won’t feel sad or angry or hurt or lonely forever.”

Make time

Any severe illness will devour time. Innumerable doctor appointments, hospital visits, consultations, treatments, visits to the pharmacy, home-care visits from the nurse, and all of the activities of ‘normal’ life seem to dominate every waking moment. And, when you’re not consumed with real doing you may find your mind totally unfocused and wandering about in the world of chaotic rumination.

STOP!

Your kids need you.

They need you to feel them.

They need you to see them.

They need you to hear them.

They need you to play with them.

They need you to be silly.

They need you to be you.

And what’s more…you NEED them.

You need your children to keep your perspective. To keep alive your sense of wonder and magic. To ground you. To bring you back from the precipice of doom and gloom. To make you laugh. To make you howl. To make you human. To make you YOU.

These little beasts are perhaps the most resilient creatures on earth and at the same time the most effective medication on offer for both the person stricken and the caresharer. You need only extend a focused hand and you will be rewarded with emotional riches beyond your ken.

Your children, well that is admittedly presumptuous – our children were at times the only bright lights as we traveled through the oppressive tunnel of ignorance and fear of the unknown.While we know they sensed our angst they quite simply refused to allow us to wallow in the mud-pits of despair. In them we came to recognize that regardless of whatever the outcome our lives would continue and it was incumbent on us to do our level best to give them the tools to live full, wholesome lives. Not fairytale lives, but real in-the-moment lives populated with events and people who would enrich them. In this regard we are very and specially grateful to the teachers at Clanmore Montessori here in Oakville, Ontario. (http://www.clanmore.ca) These wonderful, caring people immediately embraced our kids in extra-special care and without them Gabriel and Samuel would have had a vastly different and challenging experience. Yes, we are fortunate in our ability to afford this care but I would suggest that there are people in all communities capable and willing to help. Which leads me to my next point.

Seek and accept help

If you’re reading this you probably already know this.

Your natural inclination may be to never let your children out of your sight.

If people whom you trust offer to give you some relief with childcare accept the offer.

It will be good for them and it will be good for you.

The kids will have a chance to experience something different and you will have a chance to focus on each other without any concerns or guilt.

That is all.

Do it.

Investigate on-line support and insight

I will be the first to advise that you NOT research your caree’s illness ad-nauseum. While the net is a tremendous source of information it also can lead one down paths that need not be followed.

However, given the subject matter of this posting I recommend the following link:

http://menorahmedicalcenter.com/your-health/?/14350/Telling-Your-Kids-About-Your-Terminal-Illness

Some exceptionally good advice here and even if your illness proves not to be terminal the approach set out here is sound.

Finally

Your kids are not superheroes. They just seem to be.

There were days when I wished we didn’t have kids.

Yes. It’s true.

Somehow it seemed that it would make things so much more simple.

On a few of the darkest nights I tried to envision a future without Katie. Me. A 60-year old father of a three-year-old and a five-year-old.

As you can well imagine it really doesn’t conjure up positive thoughts.

Until you realize this: your kids are remarkable. They, if given the proper environment and encouragement will be remarkable.  They will in total innocence help resurrect you from the depths. They will forgive everything. They will love and they will care and they will be pillars of support strong beyond anything you might imagine.

No, they are not superheroes. But they sure seem to be.

Is Nana Better?

“Is Nana Better?”

In my group therapy session last week I learned another valuable lesson.  It was this: closely observe my children to recognize in them the wondrous qualities of childhood – innocence, wonder, openness – and to learn that even though these were squelched in my childhood by an abusive father I can resuscitate those characteristics in my own life. I can learn to thrive by learning from my children.

If you have ever visited my Facebook page you will know that occasionally I post comments made by my kids under the headings of Gabe’s Gab and Sam’s Sayings. Most often they are remarks that first reduce me to gales of laughter and secondly shock my senses into realizing how brilliant are young minds in their ability to cut through noise to reach essential truths.

Just last week Gabe asked, “Is Nana better?”

I responded that she was although she still had work to do.

Sam then asked, “Did Grandpa make her better?”

I said, yes, Grandpa and a whole bunch of other people, too.

Sam then inquired, “Will there be a party?”

Yes, Sam, there will be a party and in fact we should approach every day like a party.

The genesis of this conversation began almost one month ago. Nana was gardening. She pricked her right index finger on a thorny bush.

Twenty-four hours later she was fighting for her life in Oakville Trafalgar Hospital under intensive care treatment for flesh-eating disease.

Life happens.

It is a truism.

Another is that bad things happen to good people.

How we respond is what differentiates.

How we are supported when it happens is what makes a world of difference.

A long time ago in a land far away, I played the role of Mr. Zuss in Archibald MacLeish’s modern-day adaptation of the story of Job.  In the play, entitled J.B*., Mr. Zuss is God.  I will freely admit that this was for me a classic case of being miscast and my performance, mercifully witnessed by few, was the absolute worst in my entire acting career.  I was horrible.

But since the play is a powerful piece with several good lessons I took away influences that have stayed with me ’til today including this: rather than remaining mired in the great tragedies of his life, J.B. finds a way to move forward by embracing his wife and creating a new life built upon a foundation of acceptance and love.  J.B., although not stated as such in the play, decides to live in the present moment. He embraces the notion that thoughts are not facts and begins to live a mindful life.

This all came to mind recently as Katie and I revisited the past 24-plus months of our lives and as we approach our seventh wedding anniversary. Just as Katie’s trek through the dark valleys of breast cancer was enlightened by the support of people both near and far, so was her mother’s recovery from this surreal episode of flesh-eating disease marked by excellence in conventional medicine and the transformative impact of receiving constant care and love from Roger, her husband, Andrew and Bob, her sons, and the touching, hands-on ministrations of her daughter Katie. Additionally, both Katie and her mom were in the thoughts and prayers of people all around the globe – from the jungles of Brazil to the Channel Islands to the teeming streets of Hong Kong and London – both were swathed in the wrappings of virtual support.

Fellow blogger Nicole Sobie, a.k.a., Cancer Dragon, in her most recent posting writes about support. I love Nicole’s writing and her insight which includes this passage: “So my main advice, for those who ask how to help, is just to show up. Don’t worry so much about what to say, what to do.”

“Just show up.”

A key component of living a mindful life is captured in those three simple words and too often we are the last to just show up for our own lives, never mind the lives of others.

Lao Tzu writes, “In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don’t try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present.” 

Be present.

Be mindful.

Be aware.

Stop and smell the roses. Just make sure you don’t prick your finger!

After you’ve undergone several disruptive episodes where the lives of those you love most are threatened, one might reasonably expect a break from the fates. What we’re learning however is that fate will continue to toss both grenades and bouquets in our path. How we embrace them is what will help us move forward. So Gabe and Sam, there will be a party and Mummy and Daddy will try to ensure that you grow up realizing that every moment we draw breath is a little celebration, that every time we laugh, cry, sigh, and sing we are blessed.

Take the moments to enjoy the simplicity of life.

Shell the peas with zest. Even the mundane and pedestrian events of life are worthy of wonder.

Thanks to all for your continued good will and support.

*J.B. is a 1958 play written in free verse by American playwright and poet Archibald MacLeish and is a modern retelling of the story of the biblical figure Job — hence the title: J.B./Job. 

The play opens in “a corner inside an enormous circus tent.” Two vendors, Mr. Zuss and Nickles, begin the play-within-a-play by assuming the roles of God and Satan, respectively. They watch J.B., a wealthy banker, describe his prosperity as a just reward for his faithfulness to God. Scorning, Nickles challenges Zuss that J.B. will curse God if his life is ruined. The two observe as J.B.’s children and property are destroyed in horrible accidents and the former millionaire takes to the streets. J.B. is visited by three Comforters (representing History, Science, and Religion) who offer contradicting explanations for his plight. He declines to believe any of them, instead calling out to God to show him the just cause for his punishment. When finally confronted by the circus vendors, J.B. refuses to accept Nickles’ urging toward suicide to spite God or Zuss’ offer of his old life in exchange for quiet obedience to religion. Instead, he takes solace in his wife Sarah and the new life they will create together.

Please read this

http://www.facingcancer.ca/blogs/cancerdragon/how-can-i-help

Exceptional service and extraordinary kindness

At the 2012 Mirror Ball, thinking I was simply chumming the waters, I placed a bid in the silent auction for a one-night stay at the Toronto Ritz-Carlton.  To my great surprise (and Katie's chagrin) my bid was the winner.

Last Friday then, in early celebration of Katie's birthday we checked in to the property.

It is first of all a very impressive, understatedly elegant building and lobby nestled in amongst the towers of downtown Toronto sitting right next to the CBC headquarters.  Pulling in we realized that at the very least we weren't in the same automotive snack bracket as other guests given the line up of Bentleys, Porches, Benzes (including one quite spectacular Mercedes McLaren) but from the welcome we received, even our baby Beemer was treated with respect.

Check in was seamless with Hanna the concierge helping us out.  Alright, a little confusion with the pass cards but that was sorted relatively painlessly.

Our corner room, city-view suite was comfortable, more than adequately spacious and adorned with welcoming birthday balloons in honour of Kate.  There was also a splendidly rich brownie but I can only attest vicariously to its quality as the birthday girl made short work of it!

We retired to the Clarins Spa for aromatherapy massages.  It is a genuinely incredible space with soaring ceilings and sumptuous reception facilities.  The experience was remarkable.  Soothing, calming, and rewarding.

Dinner that night was at the Ritz in its flagship restaurant TOCA.  Yes, the food was excellent but as we learned throughout our all-too-brief stay, it is the level of service that really sets The Ritz at the pinnacle.  Our server, Jacqueline, was both welcoming and attentive.  The best story though is this - 

Jacqueline Poirier is also resident artist at TOCA.  That's right - resident artist at a restaurant.  

Jacqueline is a graduate of OCADU (Ontario College of Art & Design University) and like many artistes realized upon graduation that the pursuit of her art was unlikely to pay the bills.  So eventually she landed at TOCA.  Learning of her artistic abilities and her passion for decorating the restaurant's chargers the Ritz - showing by my experience almost unknown corporate smarts - invited her to paint all of the chargers and make them available for sale to TOCA's patrons.  Well done Ritz!

Upon the conclusion of the meal we were delighted and surprised when Jacqueline made a gift of one of the chargers to Katie.

An amazing act of random kindness for which Katie and I are both thankful.

I won't belabour the point here - the Ritz is world-renowned for its level of service.

It is our great pleasure to advise that if you ever have the opportunity to experience the Ritz seize it with both hands.

Yes, it is crazily expensive for most of us mere mortals and it is clearly the enclave of the 1% but you would never know it for the experience they deliver and the exceptional memories delivered.

Thanks to all at the Toronto Ritz-Carlton and special thanks to Jacqueline Poirier (www.jacquelinepoirier.com) and Tim Terceira, General Manager (tim.terceira@ritzcarlton.com)

Updates with Riding shotgun postings

Just some quick updates to fill the void.  Been focusing all my attention on my Riding shotgun blog but thought could share here too.

http://www.facingcancer.ca/ridingshotgun/2012/06/

http://www.facingcancer.ca/ridingshotgun/2012/07/

http://www.facingcancer.ca/ridingshotgun/2012/08/

http://www.facingcancer.ca/ridingshotgun/2012/09/

http://www.facingcancer.ca/ridingshotgun/2012/10/

http://www.facingcancer.ca/ridingshotgun/2012/11/

http://www.facingcancer.ca/ridingshotgun/2012/12/

http://www.facingcancer.ca/ridingshotgun/2013/01

New post.
http://www.facingcancer.ca/ridingshotgun/2012/06/06/new-learning

Four Quartets by T.S. Eliot

Four Quartets by T.S. Eliot

Learning continues

Another new posting:

Sam and lamb

http://www.facingcancer.ca/ridingshotgun

New posting on Facing Cancer Together

http://www.facingcancer.ca/ridingshotgun/2012/03/23/when-the-top-blows-off

Sunday, bloody Sundays

New post http://www.facingcancer.ca/ridingshotgun/2012/03/11/sundays-bloody-sundays

As relentless as the waves - keep on keeping' on

Another posting to Facing Cancer Together

http://www.facingcancer.ca/ridingshotgun

New blog

facingcancer.ca/ridingshotgun

My beautiful family on Samuel's 2nd birthday - February 4.

Sam is 2!

An amazing act of friendship

Today, Katie's best friend forever, Alex shaved her head.


As it turns out she really has quite a lovely noggin.


Regardless, this act of solidarity and support for my wife is non pareil.  Additionally, Alex raised around $5,000.00 for UK Cancer Research.


For one of the few times in my life, words escape me.


I couldn't let the day pass though without some effort to record what her actions mean.  So, I wrote a letter to her children - George and Sofia.  I am sharing it here because it is the most accurate reflection of the deep and abiding respect and love and I have for Alex and indeed for my wife.


Thank you forever Alex.

Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.

Dear George and Sofia,

Today, your Mommy did something very, very special.  She did something that I will remember for the rest of my life.  Years from now you may sit back and have a fond remembrance of that time Mommy shaved her head.  And, while the act of cutting off her hair is certainly remarkable I hope you’ll recall the true meaning of what your very special Mom did.

What she did was prove herself to be one of the most rare commodities on earth - a genuine, true friend.  

You will learn, unfortunately, that people such as her are very rare and that many of us will be able to count on the fingers of one hand those people who stood with us through the peaks and valleys, the trials and triumphs, the bitter and the sweet.  

Your Aunty Katie is a very lucky person to have a woman such as your Mom in her corner.  I am incredibly fortunate to have both of these wonderful women as part of my life and I hope beyond hope that many years from now, the four of you will sit down, perhaps with a glass of wine (obviously when you’re much older!) and laugh about the wonderful memories that are created when true friends find their souls bonded as one.

With much love and gratitude,

Uncle Don

Santa Claus is coming to town!

Living intensely

The following is a slightly more expanded version of my last update to Katie's Karma Corps.

Can you recall a time when to escape and re-create your self for a moment that you lit a few candles, turned out the lights and just listened to the sounds of silence?  I am sure you can.  You may also recall that the candles would suddenly gutter and almost extinguish themselves from some sourceless zephyr of breeze.  

That is rather what December 15 was like for Katie and our family.  With the power of our angels supporting us, we approached the post-surgery consult with Dr. Reedijk with hope and a belief that the worst was surely behind us.  We expected that our movement forward might not be as swift and without obstacle as we would wish, but that the road would be relatively smooth.  

Regardless, you’re probably tired of this preamble and wondering what the hell happened.  In a nutshell here it is:  The appointment was not quite what we were expecting, cancer found in 1 lymph node, and we did not get 1cm clear margins around breast tissue (0.3mm clearance). So now Katie  will undergo CT scans and bone scans on December 23 at Mt. Sinai and PMH  then meet with chemo and radiation teams probably at Credit Valley Hospital.

I have written to you before that as you experience this you become familiar with an entirely new and previously foreign vocabulary.  One of the most frequent terms encountered is that this is all just a journey.  Well, I am here to tell you that this journey makes the rape of Nanking look like a slightly raucous Sadie Hawkins dance.  It makes Masada appear as a somewhat difficult to access picnic spot.  This is no journey folks.  A journey is something with romantic overtones that you pursue voluntarily.  This my friends is a forced march to an uncertain future where shock and anger become daily realities.  Where the candle flame of hope does indeed gutter relentlessly.  Where the will to persist is challenged on almost every front.

I noted with sadness the passing last week of Christopher Hitchens.  Whether you agree with some, all or none of his stupendously contrarian views, no one can deny the brilliance of his writing.  I came upon the following quote and it seemed more apt than anything for this period of our life.

“Life on this earth, with all its mystery and beauty and pain, is then to be lived far more intensely: we stumble and get up, we are sad, confident, insecure, feel loneliness and joy and love. There is nothing more; but I want nothing more.”

Christopher Hitchens

With your help and continued support we will live intensely.  We will cling to the belief that the collective power you provide and the super feisty attitude of Katie will some day lead us to a point where the flames never gutter.  Where the light shines brightly and we feel the warmth of the sun.

Thank you from Katie, Gabriel, Samuel and one very tired old man.   We appreciate you and continue to honour you.  We send you great blessings for Christmas and whatever else you choose to celebrate.

Blow your mind

Ever find yourself looking for something to blow the cobwebs out?  Something to remind you of why we need to fight to protect mother earth?  Images to inspire you and recreate your child-like sense of wonder?  Pictures that define the real meaning of awesome?

Then, please, do yourself a favour and click this link right now.  

I promise you will feel better and you will want to share it with anyone you can imagine who might need a little pick me up or just a moment of genuine inspiration.  

Now this is what I call going to church!

And, thanks to Tony Pickard for sharing this with me originally on FB. 

 http://vimeo.com/30581015